MOURNING IN AMERICA
One Person’s Effort To “Get It.”
 
 
SHOCK & LOSS
 
It is very hard to be concise when trying to digest all the wrongs and hurt inflicted upon men and women during this country’s socio-economic history, let alone this election, but here goes.
 
I felt quite bereft after Hillary lost.  I see from twitter and the protests on TV that I am not alone.  This feels different than almost any election before.  The fact is, based on who America elected, we lost something we didn’t have: affirmation by most of the country that all of us belong and are respected.  It is hardest to lose something you never had.  Trenchant truths were revealed.

 
REVELATION
 
I’ll dispense with “right,” “left,” “democrat”, & “republican” for a bit, for those labels cloud the primal issues. 
 
Before we thought to define ourselves, we were uncivilized beasts.  And today, the structure of our roles in the community and the relationships we have are still influenced by our instinctive past.  We have millennia of gender and tribal roles that run counter to a relatively modern ideal: the ideal that EVERYONE is innately valuable for who they are in whatever role they choose for themselves.  It has always been a struggle for us to evolve into that ideal, but that dream is the treasure of this country.  For me, the affirmation that I can be who I am and be valuable as such is why I love this country.  It was why I voted “Clinton.”
 
This is not to pass judgement on those who are comfortable in roles handed down to them from the past.  The dream of this country also allows them to choose who they are.  But---and this is the crux of it all---the roles we choose must never inhibit someone else seeking success in their own innate identity.  That cannot be tolerated without discrediting the foundation of this democracy.  It cannot be allowed without stunting the health and growth of our beautifully diverse society.  One cannot choose individual goals over the founding tenets of inclusion and tolerance without corrupting the soul of freedom.  This is enlightened self-interest.
 
My view is that we all thrive when the old barriers no longer exist for women, minorities, the LGBTQ community, all religions, the disabled, the elderly, immigrants, anyone who feels  different, and individuals who don’t fit into the box that history has carved out for them.  In this election, their right to the American dream should have been validated.
 
Our individual places in this country, and how each candidate envisioned it, created an epic battle of conflicting views of who has value in this country.  The choice couldn’t have been more stark.  And, given that choice, a vast number of our neighbors tolerated the abnegation of our core values---respect for women, minorities, immigrants, gays, and so many others---so that they could feel affirmed in Donald Trump’s dystopian nightmare.
 
 
 
VALIDATION 
 
It is about validation.  It is about whether each candidate’s paradigm validates us.  It is about our comfort with them and if they make us feel good about ourselves.  
 
Who would Hillary validate?  These are over-generalizations, of course, but I would say that those validated by Hillary are the ones who have felt disenfranchised, bullied, or judged based on who they were born as, not based on the content of their character.
 
And who would Trump validate?  I’m thinking that would include Gender role traditionalists; Sexists; Racists; Those who don’t want to face their own bigotry; Racism deniers; Those afraid of the “other;” Those afraid of independent women; Those who feel threatened by intellect; Those who feel condescended to by people labeled as elite (even if they are not); People who want to say whatever they want without consequence (anger at the PC); & People comfortable with the status quo.
 
And it didn’t hurt that Trump was an entertainer.  Like a comedian, he helped people feel comfortable with taboo ideas.  He said horrid things as "jokes."  He also made the media comfortable and rich by giving them sound bites and a show that would make them money. 
 
This election result was so emotionally devastating to Hillary supporters because the result seemed to abandon those marginalized by bigotry and sexism.  Further, it validated those who would further marginalize us.  It put the validity of our identities in jeopardy, not to mention the physical harm many of us face.  Bigotry & sexism versus love & inclusion.  The issues seemed obvious and the choice seemed clear. 
 
How, then, could bigotry and sexism win over tolerance?
 
I contend the answer isn’t about policies, jobs, scandals, or anything so cerebral.  For every scandal of Hillary’s, Trump had 10.  For every policy Trump had, Hillary had a better one.  No, the answer is sadly simple:
 
 
THEY DON’T GET IT
 
Not only do they not “get it,” but they don’t know that they don’t “get it,” and they have no interest in trying to “get it.”
 
Let’s be clear, there is not one group that defines “they.”  “They” could be the sports talk show hosts I heard mocking the Kate McKinnon on Saturday Night Live doing her rendition of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah.”  They were disgusted by it.  They claimed that liberals think that Trump is the devil because “he beat our girl.”  These were white men, as it happens, who seemed incapable of empathizing with idea (the “it”) that the majority of the country felt invalidated by Trump and affirmed by Hillary.  They do not get that she is not a “girl.”  They do not get that it is about disenfranchisement and being shit on for most of one’s life.  And their reaction was so totally defensive, it was obvious that they knew that they weren’t getting it.  They think that because they have had hardships, they understand what it’s like to be marginalized.  But hey don’t, because they haven’t felt it really: the victimization.  It is so hard to get a defensive threatened mind to “get it.”
 
Sad to say, I don’t think that a lot of white men get it.  They think that, because they have had any struggle in life, they are qualified to appreciate the struggles of those who are not white men.  They can’t empathize with their fellow citizens enough to even realize that they don’t get the magnitude of the pain.  And they stubbornly deny there is a problem in their way of thinking.  I suspect, for them, it’s much easier that way.
 
And, of course, it’s not just some white men that are more comfortable with the Trump paradigm.  Because of a lack of awareness, they are content to latch on to any of a myriad of excuses to vote for Trump and condemn Hillary.  Their condemnation of Hillary gives them an excuse to avoid the darkness within themselves: they are aiding and abetting a sexist and racist agenda...an agenda contrary to the essence of freedom in this country.
 
 
EMPATHY
 
If you have been marginalized, dismissed, hurt, groped, beaten, disrespected, or violated ONLY BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN DIFFERENT, then you can empathize.  If you love someone who has been hurt in such a way, then you can empathize.  If you can feel their pain, then you can empathize.
 
Hardships happen to everyone.  But this country is founded on the ideal that no one should be judged except by the content of their character.  Without that essential contract between all Americans, we are diminished as a nation.  Violating that article of faith between us is never acceptable.
 
And the rationale that economic circumstances are a good reason to choose Trump over Hillary is, in my opinion, just another excuse to act on a more primitive fear of inclusion and social change than on any sound reasoning.  There’s a reason we are guaranteed equal protection under the law no matter who you were born as.  Notice that we don’t have any laws saying people will never have hard times or lose their jobs.  That’s because we are all supposed get a shot at the dream, not necessarily get the realization of it.  But many want success at the expense of others getting any shot at all.  That is Not acceptable.
 
Does that mean that white men don’t have pain?  Of course not.  BUT IT’S NOT BECAUSE THEY’RE WHITE MEN.  It’s because of some other circumstance which is not the fault of the “other.”  And the fact that they are given tropes and excuses to mock women, minorities and others to validate themselves just shows how weak their own basic self-awareness is.  Many of them feel entitled, and don’t know it, and don’t know just how much of their lives were built on the backs of others.  In this election so many chose themselves over others. 

We can’t “fix” this quickly.  This is the slog of history.  Learning empathy is about impressing upon each individual the relative weight of the concerns of people beyond their own circle.  “Injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere.” 
 
 
PEOPLE WERE COMFORTABLE WITH THE UNACCEPTABLE
 
Trump obviously does not get it.  Like when he said he “loves women.”  No, he does not.  What he loves is forcing women into the roles he wants them to be in.  That is not love.  In this election Trump attacked the worth of women and their right to self-empowerment, he attacked minorities and their right to be on equal footing with the majority, he attacked immigrants and their essential part in the fabric of our freedom, and he dismissed care for the weak and vulnerable. 
 
Hillary gets it.  She championed fighting for the ones left behind.  She championed fighting for women who have waited far too long for their moment.  She championed fighting against those who see people who are different as “less than “or “other.”  She championed fighting for the basic founding principles of our country.
 
Trump offered people an America where they can be comfortable being sexist, bigoted, and afraid of the “other.”  And those who voted for Trump made it clear: They are comfortable with his bigotry, bullying, and sexism.  In Trump’s America, you can talk about women as objects and become president.  It makes me sick.  To me, those are deal breakers.  No reasoning that I can fathom justifies voting for someone whose core beliefs are antithetical to the concept of freedom and love for our fellow creatures.  I don’t buy that their shame at their situation or circumstances justifies accepting bigotry and sexism.  If they sell out the rights of their fellow citizens to achieve a sense of self worth, then they have forsaken a fundamental tenet of their contract with humanity and their fellow human beings.  They are selling out their own right to be respected by us.
 
 
WE HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE
 
I realize that this heartbreak is not new.  Righteous champions have lost many battles, been arrested, been murdered.  I was shocked when the ERA failed many years ago.  I was horrified when MLK was killed.  We’ve lost so many champions.  Emancipation took many generations and many setbacks to get even part way there.  Having Obama was huge, but we know the fight against racism is a long way from over.  All who have been fighting for their rights have been doing it forever. 
 
Now it is Trump and those who voted for him who have attempted to invalidated all of us at once.  It has become very personal for the plurality of those who voted. 
 
It reminds us that self awareness is not a destination, but a journey.  We all start out with some of those primitive thoughts in us.  But, if we have any empathy, the first time we hurt someone because they are “different,” we see that it’s not just about “me,” it’s about doing unto others as we would have them do unto us, and we start the journey.  This whole political debacle has challenged my self-awareness, and I am humbled by the number of things I have overlooked via-à-vis the institutional burdens of my fellow souls.  But there are some benchmarks of self-awareness that we should all have achieved by now.  One is that a white man will rarely have the institutional hurdles before him do women, minorities, gays, and the disabled.  This country was fashioned to the liking of white men of privilege, and we should always remember that.  Another benchmark is that  the essence of this country is good, but so much work is left to be done.  We must never “normalize” sexism, bigotry, or any other discrimination.  There is never an excuse for it.
 
 
 
STOP BLAMING HILLARY
 
And, for God’s sake, stop blaming Hillary for losing this election.  Don’t blame the teacher for us failing the test.  Observe what happened, but do not judge her.  Judge no one.  Observe everyone, especially yourself.  I know, we want a reason for our pain in the hope of avoiding the larger shock: millions of people told us that it was Ok for Trump to question our value as humans.  But eventually we have to let go of what we thought we had in order to move forward.  Observe what is with as much energy as you have, and you will become part of a new dream.  Let yourself be guided by your hurt to new action.
 
Remember what the late, great, Leonard Cohen said:
“There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in.”
 
They don’t get it.  They don’t know they don’t get it.  They have no interest in finding out that they don’t get it.  But, by God, they are going to get it! 
 
We thought we were better than this, but through the cracks we can see the light. Asking what Hillary could have done better to appeal to more white voters is the sort of thinking which got us Trump in the first place: people sold their ideals for a quick way to win.  The ends do NOT justify the means, despite what Kelly-Anne Conway says.  Think instead about how to appeal to the goodness in the souls in EVERYONE. 
 
A deep appreciation for another’s being is not a momentary thing.  It is a living entity.  It can grow or fall ill.  This election checked the health of our ability to empathize with each other, and there’s a problem.  But, now that we know this truth, the knowledge is a treasure.  Truth is often very expensive, so let’s not waste it.  We have the power to heal.  Listen to everyone, including yourself.
 
 
 
REMEMBER
 
 
 
 
For those who get it:  Cherish them; Network with them.
 
For those who don’t get it, but might:  Tell them how Trump’s dismissiveness of you has hurt you and how you’ve been hurt.  If they love you, they will get it.
 
For those who will never get it:  Leave them, divorce them, unfriend them, or outlive them.  There are at least 60 million others who get it.
 
Fighting for who you are validates you.  We can create a new dream.  You are not alone!!
 
 
 
Thanks for reading.  My next blog will be more about how to teach empathy.
 
 
 
Jeff@HouseOfWaldron